Delilah: Damaged Love 2 by Sonya Jesus

Author:Sonya Jesus [Jesus, Sonya]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2019-04-24T16:00:00+00:00

6

Before

Liam

I’m a complete asshole. How can I ask her to go through more… more tests, more injections, more surgeries, more stress? My guilt is beating my heart up right now, and the only thing keeping me from fighting her on her decision is the desire to be a dad. I don’t want her to give up on having a family together. It’s like she’s giving up on the dreams we had, when really we just need to postpone them.

She’s seeing this as defeat, where I see it as a challenge. It’s an obstacle, another barricade in the road; we just have to adjust our route and take a detour. Yeah, it takes longer to get there, but we get there all the same.

We will get there as long as she keeps positive. Even if they remove her uterus, I know we can still have our baby with surrogacy. I would work harder, do anything to make sure we could still combine all the good things about each of us into one perfect human being. I want to raise that baby with her. I look at her, and I see the perfect mother. I can see our baby in her arms, and it kills me to know she’s considering giving all that up.

Selfishly, I want that, and I need her to fight for it. But then I remember the tears she shed when the doctor called to say we had an unsuccessful retrieval. I remember the way the sadness lingered in her eyes even as she tried to think positively. I remember the way her heart beat so loudly every time the doctor called to update us. The anxiety, the fear, the feeling of uselessness. I remember it all, and it swirls around in my head, making it hard to want something that would hurt her.

I’m supposed to stand strong in the face of trouble, but all I want to do is slam my hands against this steering wheel and curse out everything in my way. Every decision seems to be loaded with consequences, and I don’t understand why nothing comes easy for us. Why can’t I just have a normal life, full of baby tears and happy smiles? A life where the biggest troubles we could face were bills and college savings?

I don’t blame her for being sick. But what the fuck did I do wrong in my life to have to fight, and work, and scrape to hold it all together?

I am so confused right now. There’s a million and one things flowing through my mind, and all I know for certain is that I love this girl no matter what. I just don’t know how many blows I can take before I start to bleed out all the anxiety flowing through my system. She can’t see that now, not when she’s trying to keep it all together herself. It would be cruel of me to push my fears on to her because she needs my strength. In order to give her that, I can’t fear the negative outcomes.

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